She thought I would change my mind about kids

Jun 9, 2024

5 min read

We grew up in the same town and met at a party with our respective circles of friends. The day after that party, we started dating. It was simple and felt right from the beginning.

We were good together for about two years, and then I moved to the UK. I thought about ending the relationship then but chose not to. She followed me, and we built a life here together.

We didn’t fight much; she tended to bottle things up and keep them in until she couldn’t anymore. We dated for seven and a half years, got engaged, and all the rest. I never wanted kids, but she thought I’d change my mind by my mid-20s. I was restless, wanting to enjoy life and forge our way forward.

I got quite comfortable in the relationship, even though I loved her very much, even until the end. Then she got close to a coworker who had been dumped earlier that year, and they started seeing each other. Since she bottled everything up, there wasn’t much “big” conflict to deal with. By the time I realized there was a problem, she had already moved on.

I tried to fix things, but when I found out about the other guy, I got angry and left. She went on vacation with him a few weeks after I moved out. That hurt a lot. It took me a long time to process it, as it was my first real loss. Even the death of family members didn’t compare to the loss I felt.

The issue of not wanting kids definitely affected her. She wanted to start a family, and he was a good match who was available. The last year of our relationship wasn’t great in general, so it was a combination of things.

Overall, it needed to happen. I could have ended it myself earlier but didn’t have the heart to’.

Once we have all of this information, what is the first thing that comes to our minds? It looks obvious from a retrospective point of view, but when we are immersed in the relationship, emotions and circumstances make it very difficult, if not impossible, to observe the real situation.

One of the main aspects of this story is the difference in long-term goals ‘I never wanted kids, but she thought I’d change my mind by my mid-20s’ B. didn’t want children while their partner hoped he would change his mind. At this point, I would add that when we start a relationship, it may seem like it’s not a big deal, especially if you are very young. But if you know that something is important to you, you should consider the compatibility of the person you are choosing as a partner. It is a mistake to start a relationship thinking that the other person will change their mind or that we will be able to make them change. Of course, there is a possibility, but waiting for the desired outcome could create a lot of frustration and resentment if that person does not change their mind. When we realize that nothing is changing, we might have been waiting for years, and the pain and disappointment could be greater than at the beginning of the relationship. Long-term goals, especially regarding children, are crucial topics that couples need to align on early in the relationship, especially if we feel ready to take that step in the near future.

Regarding communication styles, ‘she tended to bottle things up and keep them in until she couldn’t anymore’. This may seem like a good idea to avoid immediate conflict, but emotions need to come out at some point. Usually, when we keep things inside, they don’t come out in a gentle way. Bottling up emotions can lead to a buildup of unresolved issues, which may eventually explode in a damaging way. In this case, she wasn’t able to explain how she was feeling, and in the end, she expressed herself through an affair, with the consequent repercussions.

Emotional investment and awareness are also crucial. ‘By the time I realized there was a problem, she had already moved on’ B. was unaware of the growing distance until it was too late. Emotional awareness and investment are critical in maintaining a strong connection. When one partner becomes too comfortable and complacent, they may fail to notice signs of distress or dissatisfaction in the other. How can we be aware of these changes? Regular check-ins and being attuned to each other’s emotional needs can help prevent the gradual erosion of the relationship.

Regarding infidelity and emotional affairs, ‘I tried to fix things, but when I found out about the other guy, I got angry and left. She went on vacation with him a few weeks after I moved out’.

This may indicate that his partner was disconnected from the relationship long before. By the time B. discovered the affair, she had already developed a close relationship with a coworker, which led to infidelity. Often, infidelity stems from unmet emotional needs or existing relationship issues. The presence of another person can exacerbate these problems, leading to betrayal. Addressing issues head-on and ensuring that both partners’ emotional needs are met can help protect the relationship from external temptations.

Coping with loss is another significant aspect. ‘That hurt a lot. It took me a long time to process it, as it was my first real loss. Even the death of family members didn’t compare to the loss I felt’

Even though B. said, ‘t needed to happen. I could have ended it myself earlier but didn’t have the heart to’, the infidelity took him by surprise. This could mean that B. was quite disconnected from his partner and unable to identify the changes once she started developing the relationship with the other person. Breakups can be as devastating as other significant losses, such as the death of a loved one, and it takes time to grieve them.

Practical Tips:

Align on Long-term Goals: Having clear boundaries, values, and knowing what you are looking for in a partner is crucial. For example, consider religion, family values, lifestyle, education, and intellectual needs. Discuss and align on long-term goals, such as having children, early in the relationship to avoid unnecessary surprises or false expectations. It’s also very important to revisit these discussions periodically to ensure both partners remain on the same page.
Practice Open Communication: Foster a culture of open, honest, and regular communication. Address issues as they arise rather than letting them fester.
Stay Emotionally Attuned: Regularly check in with each other emotionally. Be proactive in noticing and addressing signs of dissatisfaction or distress in your partner and bring up the discussion if you do.
Address Emotional Needs: Ensure both partners’ emotional needs are met within the relationship. Be vigilant about maintaining emotional intimacy to prevent the temptation of external emotional affairs.
Healthy Coping Strategies: After a breakup, acknowledge the emotional pain and use healthy coping strategies to process the loss. Seek support, engage in self-care, and allow yourself time to heal. Be careful about jumping from relationship to relationship, as entering a new relationship immediately after a breakup can attract people from a place of need rather than from a healthy place.